February 2012
18 posts
I don’t deserve to feel good about myself. Okay, I get it.
I have low self-esteem regardless of the front I show to people. It’s not even about what’s tough in my life or anything; I am just cursed with this feeling about myself. Every time I think things are starting to lookup and I have a reason to show a little more faith in myself, something slaps me in the face and tells me...
People are so easy to read, to please, to pretend like you’re one of them. Even if they don’t like you, it’s so simple to back off, bitch at, or agree to dislike each other. People are just easy. This is how I’ve lived most of my life dealing with them.
But no, you aggravate me, irritate me, frustrate me. You disgust me. You make me want to cry because I can’t figure...
Maybe it’s the liquor talking, but I feel like I should just ask you: do you want me out of your life? I’m so much of a hassle and I never make you feel better. I need attention you won’t give and I always feel like you put me behind everyone, and I mean everyone. It hurts me a lot, to points where I want to cry; however, this is the only thing I won’t cry about, because I...
I’m fucking heartbroken. I don’t think I ever should have said anything. Lately, I feel feelings that I thought were gone, and would go away for a long time. But no, I’m sitting here and I want to cry my eyes out over some stupid guy. I don’t understand why it is I feel that way, and continue to feel this way after everything. It sucks. I’m hurt. And the worst part...
I'm tired of this fucking family. Seriously. Fuck...
No, not my actual blood family. Being tired of them is a ship that’s long sailed and is a different, long story.
I’m talking about, and God forbid those who actually take the time to read this, my leadership family. It’s ugly, it’s disgusting, and it’s nothing but a set of cliques all crammed into one class. Yes, I fucking said it. What are you gonna do about it?
...
Someone noticed. Without telling them, someone noticed and told me to stop. I didn’t know how to react to it, but now I do; I’ll stop. Just for you. Thank you.
Breathe and smile.
You’re going to have to pull one off like you never have before, you know. You’ve snapped. You’ve said things that, unfortunately, you can’t say you don’t mean. You said you’re done and that you’ve given up. Therefore, this smile’s gonna have to count; it’s gonna have to be as believable as you can possibly make it. There’s no taking back...
"I'm sorry" has never been enough, has it?
That’s fine. When people say “I’m sorry”, I’m always quick to forgive, because regardless of whether they mean it or not, what more can they do? No one will ever go through hell and high water to make anything up to me, so therefore, “I’m sorry” will always sit right. Apologies, excuses, apologies, excuses. It’s always the same cycle, and...
She called me strong.
But I’m not— I’m far from it. However, she needed someone to be strong for her. She was hurting, and she just wants to go another day knowing someone is there for her. I will gladly be that person. I want her to see tomorrow, and if I must be strong for her I will be. But I’m not strong at all. Regardless, she needed me, and I got her through today. “See you...
I’ve stopped caring.
I actually realized it a long time ago, but I’ve stopped caring. My self-esteem has gone down the drain and I’ve had way too much difficulty dealing with it. No one realizes it, so all I do is get crap for not knowing anything and not wanting to do anything. I get crap for choosing an activity that takes up so much of my time because it genuinely leaves me...
And I said everything, more than I’ve said to one person in one sitting. It only took less than an hour, and oftentimes, I can go on for hours upon end. And you sat there and listened— listened to every little fault about me. I cried so hard, and luckily, you couldn’t see because of the darkness.
I said you’d leave me, just like he did. I said I know you will, and you...
1 tag
Would it be okay for me to completely disappear?
No, not death. I came too close to it. It’s scary. So scary. I move closer, but it scares me.
But what if I simply ran away? What if I abandoned everyone and everything I knew and started elsewhere? Lately, I’ve been nothing but a handful to deal with, and instead of resolving people’s issues like I honestly want to, I just add to the list. It doesn’t make me feel like any...
Of course I care— of course I FUCKING care, okay? Of course it fucking matters. Every time I say it, I’m playing it off so that I don’t get hurt again in the same way, but no, it’s the same. And you know what? I deserve it. I deserve it for saying things I don’t mean and doing things I shouldn’t do. I deserve every piece of shit coming my way. I drove myself...
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for always listening and trying to understand where I’m coming from, and thank you for not giving up on me now when I need people the most. No, I truly am grateful, and you have no idea how much.
But you’re misunderstanding, and I’m distrusting. You say it like my actions are harming me and making me suffer— they’re...
There’s him … but then there’s YOU. You. You. You. You. You. My thoughts always go back to You. My emotions are distracted by You. All I really want is You. The only problem is … I never see You.
I’m starting to be concerned about my self-esteem. It doesn’t matter how great or how bad of a day I’ve had, at the end of the day, I go home and sink into this state of depression. I’m concerned about myself. The smiles and laughter comes so easily when others are around, but the instant I’m by myself, it’s tears and pain. I don’t know why I feel this...
It's really hard to smile when the person you like...
But I smile regardless, because jealousy is an ugly feeling, and I’m horrible enough as it is.
January 2012
9 posts
And here I lay, sick, without a care in the world. So I sleep all day, and I do nothing but sleep, because it helps me escape to a world not here. But one thing appears which I can’t seem to run from: that’s images of you. Your voice, your touch, your smile, your laughter, the feeling of your fingers being entangled with mines… it’s all breathtaking; it’s all...
I’m kind of stupid, but that’s okay,
They said it wouldn’t matter anyway.
I’d be nothing and I’d go nowhere.
My purpose, they said, was no more than to breathe air.
The way I think, the thoughts in my head,
It’s all because of what they said.
And now, seventeen, and there’s no one, you see,
No one I could possibly hate more than me.
She said she didn't want to, and she said she was...
I like what I do. I like my talents I’ve been blessed with. I like helping, I like doing things for the good of others. I like all of that.
But just like her, there comes a point where everything is too much and it all becomes so intolerable. I do what I do because I want to. It’s like the person with a new car and license; they do not want to be a taxi. It’s like the smart...
I'm such an ugly person.
I really don’t even bother with saying such things about my outer appearance; I have good and bad days. But my personality and the choices I make… how can I consider myself to be a good person? How can I call myself anything other than ugly? No one knows me better than myself, and knowing all the terrible thoughts that go through my head and the horrible choices I make. I’m so...
There are times where I don’t even understand how I feel. I’m there, but my mind is elsewhere. I don’t know what damage I can do to someone; I don’t know how violent my reactions will be. At those times, I’m not sure when I’ll be okay. Or if I’ll be okay. And I close myself off from other people. But that’s okay. If I don’t talk, I’m...
I’m attached because you’re everything I hate, but everything I can’t let go of.
Dear Stanger who happened to catch my eye,
I have no idea who you are, but your smile was amazing. I’m sorry I was so awkward when you tried to say something to me. I’m not used to it. I haven’t really said much about you due to the circumstances in which I met you, but it would be nice if I could see you again, and maybe get to know you. I’m not asking for anything, just...
December 2011
42 posts
The reason why I’m refusing to let go so easily is because you take me back to how it was almost three years ago. All the happiness and all the pain may be exactly like it was before, and while I know I should let go, I can’t being myself to. Why? I’m not entirely sure myself. I know that the longer I choose to keep you, I’ll receive more pain than happiness. But I simply...
"I once fell in love with someone who played...
He wasn’t amazing, but with the many years he played, it was very pretty. Often times, when we had nothing to do, I’d ask him to play something for me. He was never the type of person who’d openly show off, and many times, he’d violently refuse and ask me why. But regardless, he’d play for me in the end. Familiar video game tunes, foreign pieces, recognizable songs,...
Tired of broken promises. Tired of temporary...
I like being alone.
I like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone.
I like riding the bus alone, and walking home alone.
It gives me time to think, and set my mind free.
I like eating alone, and listening to music alone.
But when I see a mother with her child;
A girl with her lover;
Or a friend laughing with their best friend;
I realize that even though I like being alone
I don’t fancy being lonely.
And I cry myself to sleep.
Being by myself is dangerous. I’m a threat to my own well-being. Being out, attaching myself to so many people who may not even want me there— it’s my salvation; or quite frankly, my escape. No one can comprehend it other than being clingy. No one can ever read past the exterior. I’m crying for attention, for words of consolation. I’m waiting to see if I will ever...
Why can’t you, for once, just be home? When was it okay to give money three days in advance and then just walk away? How am I not lonely when this is how you choose to function the family?
I don't know, but I can't say I'll believe your...
I’m choosing not to talk to you because you make me feel worthless as a friend and a human being. I constantly put you down hoping you’d understand how I feel. I’ve had someone make me feel worthless before. And I don’t need you doing it to me right now, at the time I’m feeling the lowest I’ve been for so long.
I’m such a terrible person.
And the thing is: I don’t want to hate you. But honestly, you’ve been nothing but an immature attention-whore, and I do intend so much as to call you out every chance I get. You constantly complain and bitch about everyone and everything, and the only reason I deal with you is because so many people talk smack about you that I find you pathetic. Yes, I do it out of pity. I care about...
Save me. No one is listening.
Fuck you.
I guess all I was doing was seeking attention. I wanted someone to notice. But no one ever does.
You know, there are times when people do things.
Things they know they’ll regret later.
Later. The word has a huge impact of me.
Later. Take advantage of the time you have.
Right now, I feel like I’d be doing everyone a favor.
But no, I’ll wait to see what later brings.
Put a little fucking faith in me.
I’m doing this for you. Why? Because I want to. Because you’re my best friend. And because I fucking care. I give my word when I give it, especially when it comes to promises. I am not the type of person who will bail on something so important. Besides, who the fuck are you to even doubt my pulling through when all the time, I’ve been able to and you can hardly pull through for...
If my feelings are simply based on how stressed I am, then I wonder when those feelings will finally disappear? Because the only person who’s confused is me, and if I can’t figure this out, I’ll be living with this mess for the next 6 months.