February 2012
24 posts
One last one. It's a promise.
I lost it today, I did. I don’t know what came over me, but I lost it. Everything I kept bottled up just wouldn’t stop spurting out of my mouth. I don’t know why I needed to do it. Usually, I have more self control than that, but I lost myself completely. I told myself to shut up, but everything in my head flew out of my mouth. I lost my breath. I lost my thoughts. I lost...
Why the fuck do you always put me down to extremes for the stupidest things, and then throw me away when it’s serious and I need someone there for me? Why? Like what the fuck does that do for me?
February 24
It’s your birthday, you know. Of course you do. When I hear this date, I cringe a little. It really shouldn’t bother. I should concern myself with celebrating the birth date of my other friends. But no, I merely cringe. And I cringe at the mention of the date after.
To think, you’re 18 now. It was back then, when we were only 12. I don’t know how you made such an impact on...
I simply don't like seeing you. It pains me.
No, I don't feel comfortable with this at all.
It used to be us three. It was so long ago. But we promised to stay solid. We promised that we’d be forever. And I promised I’d be there no matter what, that I’d support you through everything.
But no. I disapprove. I don’t like this at all. But it’s not my place to say anything when we haven’t even talked for months.
Okay, he’s cool. He’s great to...
1 tag
You’re so admired. I admire you; I tell you that constantly. Although it may seem a little false, I truly do mean it every time I say it. You’re just so admired in so many different ways by so many different people. You’re amazing, don’t ever think otherwise. I know, you have low self-esteem and you don’t see it, but others do, and a thank you is all we need, which is...
I don’t deserve to feel good about myself. Okay, I get it.
I have low self-esteem regardless of the front I show to people. It’s not even about what’s tough in my life or anything; I am just cursed with this feeling about myself. Every time I think things are starting to lookup and I have a reason to show a little more faith in myself, something slaps me in the face and tells me...
People are so easy to read, to please, to pretend like you’re one of them. Even if they don’t like you, it’s so simple to back off, bitch at, or agree to dislike each other. People are just easy. This is how I’ve lived most of my life dealing with them.
But no, you aggravate me, irritate me, frustrate me. You disgust me. You make me want to cry because I can’t figure...
Maybe it’s the liquor talking, but I feel like I should just ask you: do you want me out of your life? I’m so much of a hassle and I never make you feel better. I need attention you won’t give and I always feel like you put me behind everyone, and I mean everyone. It hurts me a lot, to points where I want to cry; however, this is the only thing I won’t cry about, because I...
I’m fucking heartbroken. I don’t think I ever should have said anything. Lately, I feel feelings that I thought were gone, and would go away for a long time. But no, I’m sitting here and I want to cry my eyes out over some stupid guy. I don’t understand why it is I feel that way, and continue to feel this way after everything. It sucks. I’m hurt. And the worst part...
I'm tired of this fucking family. Seriously. Fuck...
No, not my actual blood family. Being tired of them is a ship that’s long sailed and is a different, long story.
I’m talking about, and God forbid those who actually take the time to read this, my leadership family. It’s ugly, it’s disgusting, and it’s nothing but a set of cliques all crammed into one class. Yes, I fucking said it. What are you gonna do about it?
...
Someone noticed. Without telling them, someone noticed and told me to stop. I didn’t know how to react to it, but now I do; I’ll stop. Just for you. Thank you.
Breathe and smile.
You’re going to have to pull one off like you never have before, you know. You’ve snapped. You’ve said things that, unfortunately, you can’t say you don’t mean. You said you’re done and that you’ve given up. Therefore, this smile’s gonna have to count; it’s gonna have to be as believable as you can possibly make it. There’s no taking back...
"I'm sorry" has never been enough, has it?
That’s fine. When people say “I’m sorry”, I’m always quick to forgive, because regardless of whether they mean it or not, what more can they do? No one will ever go through hell and high water to make anything up to me, so therefore, “I’m sorry” will always sit right. Apologies, excuses, apologies, excuses. It’s always the same cycle, and...
She called me strong.
But I’m not— I’m far from it. However, she needed someone to be strong for her. She was hurting, and she just wants to go another day knowing someone is there for her. I will gladly be that person. I want her to see tomorrow, and if I must be strong for her I will be. But I’m not strong at all. Regardless, she needed me, and I got her through today. “See you...
I’ve stopped caring.
I actually realized it a long time ago, but I’ve stopped caring. My self-esteem has gone down the drain and I’ve had way too much difficulty dealing with it. No one realizes it, so all I do is get crap for not knowing anything and not wanting to do anything. I get crap for choosing an activity that takes up so much of my time because it genuinely leaves me...
And I said everything, more than I’ve said to one person in one sitting. It only took less than an hour, and oftentimes, I can go on for hours upon end. And you sat there and listened— listened to every little fault about me. I cried so hard, and luckily, you couldn’t see because of the darkness.
I said you’d leave me, just like he did. I said I know you will, and you...
1 tag
Would it be okay for me to completely disappear?
No, not death. I came too close to it. It’s scary. So scary. I move closer, but it scares me.
But what if I simply ran away? What if I abandoned everyone and everything I knew and started elsewhere? Lately, I’ve been nothing but a handful to deal with, and instead of resolving people’s issues like I honestly want to, I just add to the list. It doesn’t make me feel like any...
Of course I care— of course I FUCKING care, okay? Of course it fucking matters. Every time I say it, I’m playing it off so that I don’t get hurt again in the same way, but no, it’s the same. And you know what? I deserve it. I deserve it for saying things I don’t mean and doing things I shouldn’t do. I deserve every piece of shit coming my way. I drove myself...
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for always listening and trying to understand where I’m coming from, and thank you for not giving up on me now when I need people the most. No, I truly am grateful, and you have no idea how much.
But you’re misunderstanding, and I’m distrusting. You say it like my actions are harming me and making me suffer— they’re...
There’s him … but then there’s YOU. You. You. You. You. You. My thoughts always go back to You. My emotions are distracted by You. All I really want is You. The only problem is … I never see You.
I’m starting to be concerned about my self-esteem. It doesn’t matter how great or how bad of a day I’ve had, at the end of the day, I go home and sink into this state of depression. I’m concerned about myself. The smiles and laughter comes so easily when others are around, but the instant I’m by myself, it’s tears and pain. I don’t know why I feel this...
It's really hard to smile when the person you like...
But I smile regardless, because jealousy is an ugly feeling, and I’m horrible enough as it is.