She said she didn’t want to, and she said she was done.

I like what I do. I like my talents I’ve been blessed with. I like helping, I like doing things for the good of others. I like all of that.

But just like her, there comes a point where everything is too much and it all becomes so intolerable. I do what I do because I want to. It’s like the person with a new car and license; they do not want to be a taxi. It’s like the smart person who works hard to earn their grades; they do not want people to copy. I love to draw, and I love to work in order to give my class the best, but there just comes a point where I feel like I’m being used, and there’s too much I’m being depended on for. My counselor told me that I need to learn to be more selfish. I worked two years to get zero recognition, and I was okay with that until it started affecting my health, my life, and my self-esteem. Everyone saw me descend into this state and I’m smarter than to pull myself back into that. I didn’t learn the first time, the second time, or the third time, but this fourth time I will not fall into that.

Did I say I was being selfless? No, I didn’t. I have priorities to myself and there are things I do that I don’t need to do, and they do nothing to benefit me in the end. When the stress lessened on me— when I started drawing for myself again— I thought less about cutting myself and more on keeping my current state. If I start pushing myself for things that cannot benefit me in any way, shape or form, I will fall back to the person I was before and the person I was just recently. People don’t understand how sensitive I am and how low my self-esteem is. If I go back to that state, while I’m barely pulling myself out from it, I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to get better.

So if you’re reading this, I’m sorry, but I’ve done enough. I spent two years volunteering and two years stressing over things that don’t do me any good at all. When people appreciate my efforts, it no longer matters because everything is easily tossed, and I fall into this state that others can easily come out of but I cannot. So yes, I will be selfish this time. Hate me all you want, but I’m broken, and I don’t need you pushing me any further. I know, you have your own share of problems, but no one ever helped me pull myself out, so I can’t help you pull yourself out. I’m deeply sorry, from the bottom of my heart, but I don’t want to feel that way anymore. Otherwise, when will I ever be okay?